if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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