Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
