that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize