I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
