Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
