and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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