I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
