Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
