you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
