I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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