he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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