My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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