either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
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I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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