sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
