In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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