i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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