I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
