i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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