worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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