Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
