I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
