i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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