Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
