Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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