nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize