if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
