when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
