Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
