Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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