I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
