are you still at the devil's house?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
