Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
