i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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