If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
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