Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
