i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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