hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
