i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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