Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
