I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
