I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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