TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
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I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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