Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
