So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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