I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
