i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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