you traded sex for a burrito?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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