so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
