He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
