Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
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If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
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You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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