If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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