No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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