if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
