i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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