if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
