He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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