Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
