And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
