If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
